Perfect… ly in Process

I was never one for bang-up introductions, or for well-orchestrated goodbyes, for that matter. I’m more of a “jump right in the middle of the lake and start moving the water. Once you witness the current your presence generates, then you’ll know where to go,” kind of girl.

And yes, I do consider myself a “girl.” Not a “gal,” or even a “lady,” (though I did initially type lady at the end of that preceding sentence and subsequently pulled the ole’ backspace backspace backspace backspace, because I don’t really feel like a lady. Ladies are well-coiffed with up-dos requiring hairspray and clutch handbags coordinating with their unscuffed sensible shoes.

I, inventorying my present state from my dog-adorned perch atop my 100% washable Ikea sofa sectional (and for those who wrote in on that one - yes, I have small children), am quite certain I meet none of the above descriptors in the “ladies” category as I have outlined it.

However… why did I outline “lady” as such? Is the intangible image conjured two sentences prior, what was my authority for defining such a worthy being as a “lady” in such a narrow manner? I do recall being a vertically disadvantaged person of single digits back in the (shudder) 1980s, and meeting the “ladies” that graciously held court in the church vestibule every Sunday without fail. And I remember feeling their outward appearances, from the frosted pink lipstick to their unhappily crammed pinky toes taking one for the team in unseasonal footwear, were distinct - unlike that of the other female beings I knew (moms, girls, etc.).

No, these were “ladies.”

And while perhaps that title was intended to denote a particular level of respect to them for their age and stage (over 55) of life, as well as their personal carriage and demeanor, all I saw as a young person was… well wait a second, I paused for a moment there to ask myself what how I characterized these women, and what I qualities, attitudes, and behaviors I associated with these strong, dedicated women, and I realized I couldn’t encapsulate that reflection into a few words.

My perception of “ladies” (church or otherwise) at that time was what they were not - not fun, not energetic, not sparkly, not warm or understanding.

Now, as a woman/girl (yes, I am continuing to claim both - we’ll see how that association develops over the course of this cathartic process) of 44, I can put a single eye to the endless telescope of retrospect and speak to my vision of what they represented to me. I saw them as unchanging, unflappable, and (to a young girl full of theatrical rhythms and romance) I saw them as planted. Stoic. Static. Still.

Finished.

I did not want to be finished. I do not want to be finished. If being a “lady” means I am need to be “put together” and “arrived,” then I will most respectfully pass.

I am definitely unfinished. Hoo baby.

I am endlessly, purposefully, and perfectly in infinite process.

Are you?

Now here’s the sticky wicket of it all… human beings are wired to constantly be taking in information and making judgments about it. Taking in information and making judgments about it. Taking in information and making judgments about it.

Judgments about it.

Judgments.

Judgments.

Judgments.

Eish. This is exhausting. And with all the information that we are assaulted with on a moment by moment basis in this digital age, we are constantly trying to make sense of our world by making judgments about what we see, absorb, and experience. Judgments, judgments, judgments.

It’s hard on our hearts and minds. And it’s draining. And it’s unhealthy.

This is why we are drawn to mindfulness… to be and observe our thoughts and surroundings without judgment. Why we seek experiences in nature free from movements, stakes, and status. We are need exercise and sleep and meditative activities like gardening and fishing that reconnect us with presence, rather than constantly being called to make decisions (judgments) about tidal waves of information we can contend with constantly.

It’s too much. And then it becomes a habit. And then, more than ever, we are in constant judgment of ourselves and others. And we make decisions about other people - their worthiness, their abilities, their rights - and in making those judgments we create static states around others and around ourselves.

And then … we’re stuck. Static. Stale. Going nowhere.

Because we had to “stick to our principles,” we have “reputations,” we must be “consistent.”

Please don’t get me wrong - dedication and commitment to values is essential, stabilizing, and healthy. It’s a human must.

Yet, we are not meant to be static, stale, or stuck. We are designed to be forever growing, changing, evolving… in perfect process. In discovery. In humility. In wonder, as a small child, of how our old beliefs can give way to some great new understanding and experiencing through the willingness to let go… to change… to gently free ourselves of the illusion of regret or time wasted.

All there is is now. The eternal now. The point of power is in the present moment. And our souls are dying to further blossom, blossom, blossom in this moment.

Yet if we tell ourselves “it’s not time,” “we said we never would,” “I always despised people who blossomed that way”… what do we do? We prune off our possibilities. We wither.

Let’s commit right now together… we. will. not. wither. We will grow and evolve and discover, and move beyond our present form to discover ourselves. Our ever-uhnfolding identities as perfect reflections of love and life… perfectly in process.

To do so fully, we must unburden ourselves of the heaviness of useless judgments… of positions or beliefs outgrown… of stances we once took, yet now have more information about and see differently. It’s okay. It’s all okay to let go of. We did the best we could with the information we had at the time, which is all anyone can do.

It’s normal. It’s human. It’s fine.

It’s safe.

As a dear church friend frequently quipped, “Good thing we have eternity to work out our salvation, because I’m going to need every minute!”

Me too, old friend, me too! And I’m committed to laying down the belief that I “should be” in any static finished state. I lay down and release the notion that I’m “supposed to” have conquered some set of issues by now. I joyfully proclaim that I learn from whatever lessons are before me and gently deconstruct the schema that attempts to control my life through fear of other’s judgments and perceptions about me.

They have been viewing me from just one seat in the vast theatre of my life. Just as I have them. And we are called to “judge not, lest we be judged.” And why? Because it’s rude or tacky or superior? Perhaps. Yet I believe, at least for me, most of all, my judging of others, or wondering about their judgments of me slows my progress and disrupts my process. Like a bike chain jamming up and jumping off the gear wheel.

Judgment, our own or entertaining that of others’, interrupts our rhythm… our flow.

Just ride on. Drive on. Walk on… in the name of love, as a good man once sang, and claim our identities as perfectly in evolution, free of judgment that falsely threatens to keep up stuck. As that is all judgment does… keeps us stuck. And that is the inverse of the truth of the process of Life, God, the Universe, however one sees it…

I am, you are, we are forever, every moment, moving in harmonious progress and perfectly in process.