Every Little Peace of My Heart
It’s quiet tonight on the western front.
Truly, our house faces west and there’s (mercifully) been nary a dog barking. Of course, they all currently flank me on the couch as I pound out these thoughts like furry little space heaters… one by the feet, one by the knee, one by the popcorn (me/popcorn - let’s be honest, at this point in COVID with online work, school, and everything else, we’re pretty much one and the same). So here we are. TigerLily is asleep in her crib, my four older kiddos are with their dad, and my partner is out of town. And I, frankly, have so much reading to do for school it’s plain silly, yet here I sit. Writing to you.
I guess I must have something to say.
I wonder what it is. Let me listen.
I started listening yet my intuition nudged me to mention this first, so get comfy for a sec…
Listening. To ourselves. Do we do this? Do we listen to ourselves? Do we trust what we hear? Do we know what it is we have to say? What is and where is our authentic voice?
Are we willing to take the initiative?
Are we willing to take a risk?
To wobble? To overdo, to undercorrect, to miss the target, but hit the tree?
Are we willing to keep listening? Refining ourselves, defining ourselves and what we stand for?
In this age where seemingly everything is measured, recorded, and reported. Nothing can truly be forgotten or drafted for dust. Every digital crumb can be subject to scrutiny, judgment, ire, and misunderstanding.
In this age our governing documents may technically grant us the Constitutional right of free speech, but do we feel we can, as they say in ranks, speak freely?
Please know, I don’t mean I support incendiary, extreme, or bizarre conspiracy theory statements that promote fear-mongering and mainstream vitriol. I understand it’s part of a free society, but I am not looking for more… we’re all stocked up with hate speech for today, IMHO.
My question is, do we feel safe to create, to wonder, to work through ideas and thoughts and be fully self-expressed in certain settings without inviting distorted attention and unhinged perceptions?
Personally, I am endeavoring to engage in this personal blog to keep myself accountable to my own personal mission:
To be a clear conduit of God’s love and truth. To be specific, but not personal. To listen to myself for protection, not for promotion.
To be what God has called me to be this time… ever learning, ever grateful, every humble. Never proud. Always open.
My, that all sounds terrific and stoic and wise - which is, honestly, what I always aspired to. I wondered how one acquires aged wisdom from the time I was quite young, in fact. Yet, I hope I can find space to experience joy in there.
Maybe at some point. I know it’s important. I will work on this. Feels too risky at this point. You see, my only thought at this time is of my children.
My four children that I carried in my body and nurtured in my arms and from my heart. My four children whom I know inside and out and absolutely adore.
They are precious. And tonight, they are not here. They are with their dad.
And I am full of thinking about them. Their sparkle, their beauty, their hearts. All that I have tried to give them. All that they deserve.
All that every child deserves.
Every child deserves stability. Every child deserves a stable home environment with stable caregivers.
Not every child experiences this. But they do deserve it.
So what do we do as mothers when we cannot give them all the stability we wish we could? What do we do when our hearts break listening to their pain? What do we do when we have to say goodbye for another stretch - a day, a week, a month, a season? And what do we do when we see painful things happening to them, yet we are powerless to stop it?
Well, honestly, first we can pretty angry at the injustice of it all. We hate that they have to endure so much. We may cry or pace or, as one mom said, “stand at the counter, scrolling through old text messages, sobbing, and mainlining popcorn.”
Yes, solutions come in all shapes and sizes and with varying sodium content.
Yet, after we’ve worked through the initial stage of shock, anger, and bargaining, and we’re somewhere in the upswing of depression toward acceptance (knowing these stages of grief rarely if ever occur in such a predictably methodical order), we come out the other side, and remember our mission:
The children. The innocents.
We may have been hurt, harmed, humiliated, abused, betrayed, devastated, destroyed, or otherwise by past relationships with our children’s other parent. And we may even feel on some level that we are innocent in many ways and needing and deserving of protection from their continuous tactics, high conflict behaviors and pathologies. And we are … we must put on our own oxygen mask first, as the saying long goes, to be able to care for others.
Yet, in this case we best do it quickly and with well-rehearsed choreography, because the moment kiddos come through the door from their other environment, they will have needs. Needs needs needs. They will share, say, clam up, break down, or just hold on and on and on.
And they need us. They need us to be their strength. Their inner calm.
We can do it. We’ve been doing it since the very start.
It’s hard when we don’t see them all the time, every day. It takes time to get reacquainted. It takes time to find their rhythm and respect where they are right now. And if you’re parenting as an Empath, hoo baby… it’s really something to get that much emotional input all at once. Like getting hit with a BOGO ton of bricks. If a mother is an Empath, being in tune with their rhythms is unstoppable - the Empath parent will and must attune to his/her/their child or they feel disconnected. And that re-attunement when the time is split takes peace, patience, and listening.
Often moms will say to me in support groups and in private session something about feeling unheard, belittled, devalued, shamed, and degraded during their relationship with their children’s other parent. That they had looked forward to not having to hear that kind of algunage and ugliness being leveled at them again. But they hear it still … now it just comes through their child(ren). They find themselves feeling stunned and shocked all over again, and are astounded and dismayed by how these old behaviors can trigger them.
Yet then I remind them… they remember…. it’s not the other parent being aggressive, hostile, and abusive to them.
That other person is gone.
This person before us is a child. A precious child. Our precious child. A child with poor, damaging modeling.
A child trying to make sense of their world.
A child in pain, feeling they finally have a safe place to express it. And because they feel safe to express themselves, now their parents have to practice listening at a whole other level. When parents hear their children emulate behaviors reminiscent of the other parent, behaviors that evoked feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt, fear, imminent danger and more, we must must must remind and remind ourselves… .
That other person is gone.
This person before us is a child. A precious child. Our precious child.
A child trying to make sense of their world.
The child is our precious child. And they may be dysregulated, and do and say ugly things that sadden and worry us for their future. That cause us to wonder and worry about the past. But that is all just noise.
The point of power is in the present moment. And if we have our own sense of identity and self-worth, nothing they say or do can trigger us again as it may have when their other parent said or did it so long ago. Because we are free now. They cannot harm us, dominant us, control us, or frighten us the way they once did.
Good news, right?
Then a mom will always say, “But s/he/they can hurt me by hurting our child.”
Yes. That’s right. And it’s horrible and painful and cruel and wrong. But it does happen. Our children will be hurt. And hurt from a parent, the person they are supposed to love and feel safe with is the worst kind of hurt, because the relationship in expectation compared to experience are so incongruous.
It’s horrendous, and there’s no excuse for it. And we deserve to beat or chests and scream at the sky as mothers in one voice when we witness this behavior as it has no value or benefit for our children whatsoever, and only serves to harm them.
Still, we must insist on the finding the glimmer of light. The hope inside the horror. The peace in the pain. What can we give our kids in these situations?
An incredible example of resilience in the face of great adversity, of compassion toward those who are hurting people because they themselves are hurting, positivity and encouragement that propels them forward and shows them they have the power to rise above any difficult circumstance. That they are not victims - Our children need to know that THEY are the power in their worlds.
And so are we. I’m working on this. I believe it. Just not exactly sure how it translates to reliable, purposeful action yet, but I’m working on it… obviously!
We have the power to change our children’s experience when going through conflict parenting (as opposed to coparenting) and working toward productive parallel parenting by meeting stress with productive, healthy tools such as the 5Cs:
Calming our nervous system. We can learn to calm our overactive nervous system (especially if we are Empaths) through controlled breathing, meditation (music, dance, cooking, prayer are all viable means), progressive muscle relaxation
Connecting through praise and positivity. Before asking questions (I’m so proud of you for ___________ - hint: You fill in the blank with whatever is happening in that moment, ie “I’m so proud of you for telling me the truth of how you feel in this moment)
Closing down criticism. Rather than getting defensive or firing back when something stressful, surprising or shocking comes through the kids (I can understand why you feel that way for sure. It helps to talk about how we’re feeling for sure - name it to tame it. But criticizing someone makes me feel yucky/stressed/heavy. Let’s focus on the positives I/we can observe about the situation right now
Communicating compassion for the other parent or person. The number one thing we can teach our children to be successful in life is how to get along with others, and that includes modeling, displaying, imparting, and praising compassion and understanding of human frailty. That no one is perfect, and that everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got at that moment. That we are called not to judge others, but to look forward with joy at the incredible truth that we are forever flowing forward through the process of life. No one can keep us stuck or static. We are moving freely and no other person’s experience has the power, in spiritual reality, to impinge on ours unless we give it power. Sharing thoughts like "Let’s pray for everyone in the family. We are so blessed by so many people that love you,” and “None of us really know what it’s like to be someone else, do we? I wonder what it would be like to have to be that other person? Let’s send some good energy toward him/her/them for all s/he/they are facing.”
Clearing the way. Moving toward a new activity, task or endeaor that is productive, beneficial, and of service to the child at the close of the exchange. If our children have experienced any kind of childhood trauma as describe in the ACEs Study or otherwise, they have likely experienced some level of brain damage/alteration. We can help heal that harm and further strengthen the brain structures by leveraging our neuroplasticity, (TED TALK) and teaching our children a new skill, sharing with them a new fact, or, heck, just watching Wild Kratts together or one of the more insightful Youtubers (I continue to be impressed by Drew Gooden - his wife seems totally squared away, too). Be sure to have moved on together in a positive direction to help combat the stress the child feels in the situation.
Well, apparently I had something to say, as I’ve certainly gotten my “Palm and knuckle” cardio in for the day. If only there were a Fitbit on number of keystrokes… now that I’d like to measure, though in all fairness that’s likely not even remotely the purpose of a Fitbit. Perhaps a “Sitbit”… but that’s another post.
I never was one for graceful goodbyes. If it weren’t for rousing reprises and curtain calls, during my days in the musical theatre I never would have known how to get off the stage, yet I’m here to learn, so I’ll give buttoning this a fair to average post-secondary education try.
(Ahem)
This post as for and about my biological children, as many of these posts will be. Because their little bodies, hands, cheeks, and hearts are the peace in my heart. Because I adore them, each one of them, infinitely beyond measure, and I never ever stop considering how to improve their lives, their situations, and do better by them for their health and happiness now and in the future.
Just as a side note, I have many clients and readers who would identify as “EMMAS”: Empath Moms Mothering in Adversity/Abusive Situations) and those tense interpersonal matters can present really interesting (seemingly “impossible” as one mom said, but we decided that gives it a bit too much power, so let’s stick with “really interesting”) challenges, and actually be amazing blessings and opportunities to grow, so we progress in our own journey and bless those that would seek to harm us all in one breath. When our actions and words reflect this mantra, we know we are healthy EMMAS/Feeling types/APEX parents, etc., on the right track for our freedom, growth, self-actualization. One reunification with the light.
Progressing and blessing, progressing and blessing, progressing and blessing,
We are all one with the Life force that flows in, through, around, and among us. We don’t have to decide or judge anything about it. That is the gift. The Life force just is. So notice it. Know it is everywhere. And on that note, I’ll invite you to five repetitions of the following controlled breathing mantra -
- Say the following to yourself as you breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4 -
(In for 4) Breathe in; feel the flow.
(Hold for 4) I approve of myself
(Out for 4) Breathe out; let go.
(Hold for 4) I am in my perfect process
Thanks so much for reading - until next time. You are perfect, and beautiful, and luminous. And perfectly safe in your process.